Blog - june 18, 2026

I don't like the phrase "fake it till you make it", something about it feels like I have to not be true to myself to succeed, even though that's not what people typically want when they say it, yet I'm clearly unhappy with who I am so why do I discourage changing that about myself?

Clearly I take myself seriously enough to be bothered by that, likely as a coping mechanism I have for feeling out of place, if i kept the sanctity of my identity enclosed in a brick wall then I don't hear what people have to say, since I don't branch out. But aren't I the the person with something to say if I talk about myself like this?

I have no explanation or reason to feel this way either, my friends have the balls to tell me if I'm being annoying, I've also asked them many times. I think it's my parents, logically the opinions most difficult to deal with are from the people I live with. But I don't think they've given me a reason to think like that.

This reason for this fear of expression is also economic I feel. A lot of subcultures talk about how to be [subculture], It's all in your mentality, or beliefs, rather than your clothing. That isn't a bad thing necessarily, but personally I cant' comfortably call myself [subculture] without the aesthetics of it

It's a privilege to have both parents working, and possibly myself as well, yet there's a very stark contrast between the way my parents splurge (on themselves and I) and the way they describe negative expenses. My parents are very big on gardening, and getting varieties of flowers and such, which gets expensive en masse. It's not my money, but frankly they spend a bit more than i think is justified for the way I hear the stress in my mom's voice from a new expense and the dismissal in my dad's when either my mom and I look at a price tag.

Why am I so worried to ask to buy some accessories off of amazon or to go to goodwill when my parents are spending 20 40 60 dollars on a pot or a plant or something? (Granted, it's their money, and I'm not angry at their spending more my own anxiety, and it's my decision to enjoy their hobby as well, and they aren't obligated to fund my interests, which I'm trying to get a job to do, another rant on its own)

I think some of my worry is valid, the other day I was talking with my dad about dying my hair, currently its just below shoulder-length and a dull brown, but natural. I mentioned going all black with a streak of color to give it a bit more life, and he was all for it (likely because he's not going to be the one spending the money to dye it). But when I mentioned the same idea to my mom, she seemed reserved about her true opinion, giving half approval. Her first response to the black idea was that "ooh.. black is so hard to get out", as if her mind automatically went to me not liking it, which i mean, is worlds better than her completely shutting it down like I know some parents would, I'm grateful to have a parent that would even let me consider doing something like that. But her reaction felt disrespectful still, even if that wasn't her intention.

A little before I dropped the supposed bombshell that was black hair, i showed a photo collection I had on pinterest (It has a lot of real people's faces so I wont be linking an example, but think typical alternative cuts and dyes for curly hair), and she seemed semi approved, but her tone was comparable to a teacher trying to affirm you when you answered a question wrong (she didn't explicitly say these but think like, "you're on the right track... Almost but..." type vibe), what I'm trying to say is i feel like the hair dye was her question that I gave the wrong answer to.

After i showed the photo, she showed me her own ideas, kind of like a reverse balayage with some bleach-free coloring on the ends, beautiful styles but, not at all what I asked for (Granted, pinterest and google have very different databases, I'll get completely different looks if look up 'dyed hair' on either platform, and I asked her in the middle of her work so I understand she wasn't going to take too long trying to find something accurate, but it still felt off)

My mom is also worried about how my hair might be damaged, as I've never used any kind of dye and haven't used more heat than the shower on it, so I can understand the want to keep my 'virgin' hair nice, its healthy and has been trimmed recently and I think could put up a good fight against bleach and stay in good health. I didn't say this but I really, really hate the obsession over the 'virginity' of one's hair, and how dying it vivid colors is shamed upon from her generation , it feels so oddly perverted that my hair is so nice to them and that I'd be ruining it by doing what I like, I want to fuck up my hair just so there's no expectation for it to look nice.

How do I tell my mom that I don't care about the health of my hair (I do, but not incredibly so, if it's not actively fried or falling out I'm happy), my mom more-so but both of my parents tend to react to things with more intensity than I do (again, not my feelings, i have no right to police them) so I personally feel like asking and convincing them to let me do something is more of a hassle than actually doing something.

This applies to clothing as well, I really don't know how to explain to either of my parents why gyarus are marginally shades darker than I am or why I'm not some melodramatic misanthrope, I just think black metal bands dress cool. It's easier to just pick a piece of clothing and say "lol it just looks cool" when we happen to go out rather than explicitly ask for it.

They kind of make me feel stupid when I ask for something they might think of as 'weird' and they get that smirk that let's me know they just can't view it as something other than odd, which I get is to be expected from older people with more alternative types of, things, but it feels degrading the way they talk about it. Which is probably because they view this as some phase, and they're probably right!! If you can't tell I'm 16, prime age to dye my hair black and wear graphic tees with skulls on them, It's predictable and I really don't care, but they seem to care more than I do?

I suppose there's nothing I'm really asking here, just to like, think if your fear validations are actually valid, or if they're just affirming? Not super out of this world but I probably need to internalize that more.